so, this is the new year

-and I don’t feel any different. Death Cab For Cutie have a song for every obscure feeling I’ve ever felt- this is a fact.

When the clock struck midnight and I watched as my friends sang 2017 goodbye, I drunkenly swayed on my feet and felt rather detached from it all. Lately holidays don’t resonate with me quite like they used to. I long to exist in a world without expectations, without invitations to parties, without gifts, without resolutions.

I know it all seems so romantic, these big days with big meanings. I used to gaze at fireworks with wide dreamer eyes and believe that with the passing of yet another year gone by anything was possible for the coming months. In with the new, out with the old.

But maybe I’d like to find the magic in every singular moment, instead of culminating visions of new realities based on numbers on a calendar, instead of having so much faith in the power of one day.

My mantra lately is to become the person I want to be instead of just talking about her. But I find myself tripping on the word “become”. As though I suddenly have to wiggle out of my skin, trade it in, fasten myself into a new life where I’m never sad and always beaming.

Instead, I’m thinking about the business of evolving. Understanding. Accepting.

Who am I? A being. Ever-changing but somehow still stagnant. Stubborn and grounded but all over the god damn place, captain of all space cadets.

I’d like to narrow my focus, start achieving instead of passively waiting for it all to happen.

So this year there will be no reel of my “2017 moments”, no 2018 resolutions.

Instead, I’m just on the same journey I was in 2017. All the same ups and downs, the same good days and bad days. And that’s okay. I’m healing, going through the motions.

I’m still pretty sad. A new year didn’t magically change that.

But gradually, it gets better.

until next time,

r.