I’ve been absent for awhile.
When I first began this blog I had a mission, I’ve mentioned it a handful of times- authenticity, transparency, being real. I wanted to find the thing inside of me that thrummed with colour and raw, gory, glorious truth. I wanted to transcribe it here, to share this truth with people and celebrate who we are underneath the surface.
I still believe in this.
But, life is a funny thing. And we as humans are constantly evolving, growing, learning about new avenues of ourselves at a rate so alarmingly fast it can feel hard to keep up. Sometimes we spend an exhausting amount of time digging up a part of ourselves that we feel is concealing our truth, only to find that it was in front of you, glaringly obvious and winking at you with a mystical “knowing” of sorts the entire time.
Sometimes the truth is one we don’t want to face.
I think in maintaining a blog I started to examine different truths with an eye too critical. I wanted every entry to resolve itself with a pretty moral to tie it all together. I wanted my words to be both personal and general, ensuring that I was always keeping myself on a fine line between being extremely intimate and entirely all encompassing. I started to take each truth and weigh the pros and cons of publishing it. Will this help people? Will this be too much? How will people perceive this?
In doing so I subconsciously began to filter truths before I had a chance to face them. I didn’t want to give thought to things unless I planned on writing about them. I didn’t want to linger on the undesirable truths anymore, and in doing so I undermined my original intentions without ever realizing it was happening.
Although I consider myself to be a good person there are a lot of ugly qualities that I have. I’ve been through traumatic things that aren’t shiny, healed scars. They are still open, oozing wounds that I allowed to become infected. I’ve been mourning a past version of myself for so long now, I hardly even know the me I’ve become.
But lately, there has been clarity. I took a step back, let the silence awkwardly settle over me. I resisted the urge to put thoughts into written word and I just sat with myself.
I’ve started to catch myself in moments of ugly behavior, realizing as the words come out that they’re not what I want to present to the world. I’ve started to realize the extent of my own demons, and the ways in which they’ve changed the way I operate, but I’m yet to apply a means of healing onto myself.
I don’t want to be stagnant, and I think a major issue in my inability to move forward is the amount of time I spend sharing my thoughts with everyone and not allowing myself to actually confront them head on.
The people I admire the most are the ones who don’t boast about their journey, they are the people who recognize a behavior within themselves that causes detriment, and in turn decide to work on it. They don’t tell people they’re working on it, they just quietly chip away at the familiar patterns they once followed in hopes of uncovering something beautiful.
I want to try new things, I want to stop talking about the person I want to be and become her instead. And in order to do that I think this hiatus needs to continue.
I’ve become so worried about what people think I’m like that I’ve forgotten to actually be a person. I’m not real at all.
I know that writing this post sort of contradicts the entire message I’m conveying, but I wanted to take an opportunity to thank all of the people who read what I wrote, who commented or shared or supported me in any single way. Your words mean the world to me still. I wanted anyone reading to know that I cherished them, and that just because I’m changing doesn’t mean I’m not proud of what I’ve put out there.
It’s just time to evolve.
I’m not sure what the future of this space will be for me, but I do know that for the first time in a long time, I’m ready to change.
Thank you all for this experience, I’ll be back someday.
all the love,