It’s been awhile, friends. And I’m sorry I said I’d write more often and then proceeded to ghost for two months. I can’t promise there won’t be another two month gap before the next post.
But it’s not dramatic or anything, I haven’t been having a crisis, or a long stage of depression… I’ve really just been leveling out. Which is incredible, if you think about how much more time I’ve spent down than up, but it doesn’t really make for something you can write about every four days.
I feel like until recently, my life had been going on crisis mode for almost a solid year. Between crazy bosses and annoying bitches and me just generally putting way too much thought and effort into the most mundane things and way too many feet in my mouth and also being a crazy yelly person, I was pretty much always on edge. Even when I thought it was over it was still just me… trying to show as many people that I wasn’t a crazy yelly person anymore? Which is just as fugged.
I took a little glance at all the stages of my life– the cringey little kid, the weird hipster music person, the drug addict, the recluse, the regula ass blonde girl, the punk ass kid, the southern drawl darlin’, the destructive lesbian, the groupie, the ghost, the most ardently hated, the valley girl, the weird niche memelord or something, the punk ass kid AGAIN– and pieced all of the things I liked about those people together.
And it was such a mix of shit and booze and power chords and other noise that it all kind of transformed into the wash that I am now.
Which sounds terrible. But, actually, it’s pretty rad.
I probably still scroll through memes for a good hour of my day (the beginnings of which are evident in my last post), I still drink way more than I should. But something is different. I don’t wake up and make sure I’m keeping tabs on all the people that I *need* to keep tabs on. I don’t listen to music that reminds me of times and memories that I won’t get back. I don’t close my eyes trying to remember the scene. I don’t wish that I had of done that one thing, I don’t feel bummed that I didn’t go to that ‘totally awesome friend reunion’ the other night.
It might be considered lazy but, I don’t think FOMO is even part of my vocabulary anymore.
And that’s another dope ass thing that’s happening!! Rachelle and I do these buzzfeed quizzes when we’re together and bored (whatever, they’re fun) and I came across the question of ‘how important are other people’s opinions about you?’ and before I could even register the last 21 years of my life I said ‘not at all’.
And that’s been my biggest weakness for as long as I can remember. What is happening?
Nothing. That’s the answer. I stopped trying to put myself into a genre of people, I stopped trying to figure out what the fuck I was doing.
I looked at my closet. All my frilly, flowery, bell sleeved dresses that were once my favourite things in the world, the only things that made me feel like I stood a chance with anyone… I kinda just, pushed them to the side. And I mean, that killed me, but they haven’t moved.
I bought tshirts, jeans, a denim jacket. At the time I thought I was just trying to fade to black but it turns out I think that’s how I’ve wanted to be for a long time. Literally basic. Not like, basic bitch. The original definition of basic.
It’s nice, it’s chill as fuck because I don’t have to pull down at my skirts because they ride up, I don’t have to remember to keep myself in check and check my lipstick in the mirror after every sip because it’s that shit that stays on your lips but also doesn’t at all?? You guys know what I mean??
But even if I did wanna do those things (which I likely will again) it doesn’t really matter because I taught myself not get so goddamn down on myself for changing my life like the wind. It doesn’t matter to anyone, I don’t have anyone to consider. So long as I’ve got Rachelle, my fam and some nice lil things to keep me from dying of boredom, I’m all good dude.
So ya, like I said, it’s all been good. It’s not a crisis, it’s just kind of me chillin on a day-to-day basis, trying to let the chips continue to fall in their delightfully respective place.
But I really would like to become more active, I feel like I haven’t really been able to do much creative stuff lately because… well because I’m lazy. But I’d like to play around with the modalities because although these rants are therapeutic for me, I can only imagine they get dry for the rest of the world. Maybe playlists, definitely photography on the horizon.
I’ll see you guys when I come up with something else to say.