I haven’t wanted to post for a long time. Four weeks, to be exact. So this will likely be too honest, and too disclaiming. Bear with me.
I’ll try to put it poetically. I haven’t wanted to write since the breath was taken from my lips, completely involuntarily. Not a big deal, or so I thought. But here we are, four weeks later and I haven’t dared put a pencil to paper because I just kept thinking; if you write enough, if you put your thoughts out there enough, eventually… people will start to take it from you, start to expect it from you. And I was unsure if I could live up to that. But I’m a writer. I need to try.
So I guess this is here as a disclaimer of sorts, before things go back to normal.
It’s been a weird couple of weeks. Running into unwelcome invitations, unwelcome parts of my past, unwelcome ideas into my brain, unwelcome concepts leaving my mouth that no one has really wanted to entertain.
‘Moving on from the negative’ is a concept I’d always stuck by pretty biblically, but sometimes those thing creep in no matter what you do.
People come into your lives, people interject themselves into your future, people just shove their way into your life, it’s bound to happen.
And I guess it had been a long time since someone decided to make a decision for me, I hadn’t remembered that people do that and it made me feel as though I had no control over my life. People can just come in and they take something that they think is theirs but it’s entirely yours. And no matter how small that choice was, it created a sort of domino effect within me– it kind of set off all of the insecurities and delusions I had about myself.
So I stopped writing, and I stopped capturing. Because I figured I need to keep every little thing to myself in order to protect it from– whoever.
People are taken advantage of, people are observed. People are stalked, looked up daily. People want to know what you’re doing at all times of the day and for the past couple weeks I’ve been hyper aware of that and absolutely petrified, but I’m beginning to realize that in actuality it’s really, really sad.
I’d become reclusive for a little while, and I kinda just threw myself into shitty situations– mundane and simple situations, but situations that I knew would prolong the bad attitude I had, because I felt like I needed it to stay as a punishment of sorts.
But now it’s the end of August and I’ve started doing fun things again, I’ve gotten my ducks in a row and I’m feeling a lot more stable that I have felt. I abandoned the idea that I need to distance myself and allowed myself to fully appreciate and acknowledge the phenomenal and supportive people in my corner, and I started to regain my bearings.
Everything kind of came back in stages, with writing on Undesirables to be the last one, and it feels like great timing. Two weeks ago, my photography craving came back, and I thought it would be nice to share a little bit of what I’ve been up to. Sorry you had to wait, but if you’re reading this… thanks for doing so. I hope you enjoy.
…that last one is from Los Angeles. More on that later… and I promise later will be soon.
thanks for reading, thanks for waiting, thanks.