February 14th, 2015
Res; like the stains on the bowl I smoked just a little too early in life, it’s novelty has since worn away
Ill; as my mind, purging faster than I can feed it
I, do not have an ounce, of resilience.
That’s where I was at, what I truly believed. And now, I’m on the way to becoming a social worker, and in a lot of ways it really saved my psyche (which I’ve been told is ironic), but right now let’s talk about resilience.
I think the problem with a term like resilience is that most people don’t know the actual definition, and more often than not they don’t realize it until they need to adapt to it.
My personal example; When I found out, I was sitting amongst 30 people with interchangeable mental disorders, each in their chairs trying to figure out how to leave the house everyday.
Four workshops a day, for 30 days, and the one that stuck out the most on my timetable was ‘obtaining resilience’.
The official definition is; the capacity to recover from difficulties, toughness.
What they told me was; those who demonstrate a good outcome in spite of high-risk conditions, sustained competence under stress, and recovery from trauma.
And I immediately thought; well, that’s not me. I was at a point in my life where I was essentially waiting for one more straw to crack my spine in half. A rainstorm on my walk to the bus, a lack of sugar in my morning tea. Every single thing was doomsday.
And when I put my pen to the paper to write the excerpt you see at the beginning of this text, I was fully committed to the idea that I would live my life without gaining any sense of the word, and looking back at what was once such a concrete belief– absolutely abolished, astonishes me.
I’m unsure what point in the last two years I began to slowly chip at this incredible wall I’d constructed, but when I stumbled upon this snippet of poetry I found that I’d completed the task. Thankfully due to my studies, I learned a little bit about the journey I had absentmindedly taken, kind of like looking back at a photo album of sorts, I remembered the stops.
I gained a positive social environment– realized the importance of surrounding yourself with people that want to do the things you want to do. Diversity is important, and I am by no means discrediting that, but within the umbrella term of ‘doing what you want to do’, there’s a lot of breathing room to find some really amazing people. Recently I’ve decided I don’t want to put my creative ideas on the back burner anymore, and that I need to find people that want to be something, do something, have something to be proud of. There’s a big difference between people that want to sit back and watch you do ya thang, people that also wanna do their thang but want you to give them a push, and people that wanna do their thang while you’re doing yo thang and then you can sit and talk about all sorts of things together. Pick the latter, eternally.
I gained a family milieu– and that one is really important and I put it off for too long. Family goes through perhaps the biggest trials of all the trials throughout your life because no matter if you’re on the inside or out, if you’ve been together since the beginning, you need to stay that way. No matter how much of an individual you are, you need your folks– or whatever a guardian/sustainable presence means to you.
I also gained a sense of cognizant individual consideration. That was the least detectable change but the one that made the biggest difference. See, with the positive environment, and the family aspect… I found some of my negative seemed to work themselves out over time. I was always constantly worried people would stand me up, forget about me. Abandonment issues are my jam. But it became clear that when you establish a group of people that are solid for tangible reasons, those fears go away. Trust ensues. I used to fear that my creative ability would always be surpassed by the more ‘straightforward’ talents– I can’t sing, I can’t dance, I’ve tried to play an instrument and it never really calls to me. But when you voice the beliefs that your capabilities are something you’re taking seriously and doing anyways, your people both know what that means and know how to help you get there. Self ridicule goes away. Competency ensues.
And now, I look at myself– I look at the magazine, I look at my schooling, and I look at my beloved friends and family and I realize that not only can I do this… I’m fucking going to.
That seems to be a pretty resilient thought.
And aren’t we all resilient? You, reading this post. Your friends, having completed or completing the trials of adolescence every single day. Experiencing loss, fear, sadness, anger every single day.
Isn’t it pretty to think that reading this sentence makes you resilient?
July 26th, 2017; I am proud to come from a time where I thought I didn’t have an ounce of the stuff, to now, knowing that we all have plenty just by being who we are.
Thanks for reading.