for when you’re trying to make a decision.

I went on a trip to Vancouver, British Columbia, which I have a whole post/collection of photos from. But before I went, I had some serious doubts based on my anxiety, and I think that’s really important to document… so you can get a clear picture of what’s happened. Here’s a little something I wrote the night before. 


“Fighting Against Gravol (Again)

But at least I’m writing more, right?


I’m fucking terrified. Which is alarming… wasn’t this supposed to be my whole thing? I mean yes, I’m not going with Rachelle, which is scary. How do I get on without the girl? Have I forgotten how? But I’m GOING (maybe).

All sorts of emotions flood me. I don’t wanna leave my basement, I don’t wanna leave my cat even for a second. I’m crying and scrambling to remember which songs on my spotify I need to download.

I watched Emma Mercury’s ‘Retrograde’ series, and it makes my worries smaller. In this moment & all moments. I’m struggling greatly with the aspect of un-hermitting, leaving. But home is whatever I make it, whenever I make it. It is within myself, and I’ve worked tirelessly to fit it in there, I’m quite the minimalist now. So I just need to shut up and do it, push myself a little. Theres anxiety with a cause, and without a cause, and this seems to be causeless.

But yeah. I need to go. Get in the car, drive to the coast. The coast will do me good. See the set of ~riverdale~. Be close to the mountains. The mountains will do me good. Maybe I’ll have some spiritual awakening. That’ll do me good.

I hate to admit it, but I will likely watch netflix tonight to keep the carnal fear at bay. Some infinities are bigger than others.

The Bird – Anderson .Paak

Twenty Something – SZA

Collard Greens – Schoolboy Q

Doves In The Wind – SZA

Hello – Erykah Badu”

To prepare for the full post, listen to those tunes if you’ve got the time. I did, and it put my anxiety at ease. I didn’t even end up needing netflix.

Thanks for taking a moment to look at my anxious mind.



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