I went on a trip to Vancouver, British Columbia, which I have a whole post/collection of photos from. But before I went, I had some serious doubts based on my anxiety, and I think that’s really important to document… so you can get a clear picture of what’s happened. Here’s a little something I wrote the night before.
“Fighting Against Gravol (Again)
But at least I’m writing more, right?
I’M GOING TO VANCOUVER TOMORROW (maybe).
I’m fucking terrified. Which is alarming… wasn’t this supposed to be my whole thing? I mean yes, I’m not going with Rachelle, which is scary. How do I get on without the girl? Have I forgotten how? But I’m GOING (maybe).
All sorts of emotions flood me. I don’t wanna leave my basement, I don’t wanna leave my cat even for a second. I’m crying and scrambling to remember which songs on my spotify I need to download.
I watched Emma Mercury’s ‘Retrograde’ series, and it makes my worries smaller. In this moment & all moments. I’m struggling greatly with the aspect of un-hermitting, leaving. But home is whatever I make it, whenever I make it. It is within myself, and I’ve worked tirelessly to fit it in there, I’m quite the minimalist now. So I just need to shut up and do it, push myself a little. Theres anxiety with a cause, and without a cause, and this seems to be causeless.
But yeah. I need to go. Get in the car, drive to the coast. The coast will do me good. See the set of ~riverdale~. Be close to the mountains. The mountains will do me good. Maybe I’ll have some spiritual awakening. That’ll do me good.
I hate to admit it, but I will likely watch netflix tonight to keep the carnal fear at bay. Some infinities are bigger than others.
The Bird – Anderson .Paak
Twenty Something – SZA
Collard Greens – Schoolboy Q
Doves In The Wind – SZA
Hello – Erykah Badu”
To prepare for the full post, listen to those tunes if you’ve got the time. I did, and it put my anxiety at ease. I didn’t even end up needing netflix.
Thanks for taking a moment to look at my anxious mind.