I just had an important moment.
I was reading this quote, one that I’d written in my journal a month ago because I thought it was pretty, but now it attuned to my life in such a cellular way that I felt short of breath.
And my first thought was, I need to share this feeling.
I immediately opened facebook and began to type it in my status, and stopped about two sentences in.
Certain names started to pop into my head. Who’s going to make some snotty remark about how this is ‘too long, didn’t read’, who’s going to take this the wrong way. Who’s going to think it’s about something that it’s not. Who’s going to get it right.
Immediately the words that I held in such high regard moments ago drifted from my mind as worries about my audience flooded in, and there’s something really wrong about that.
But the good thing is, I caught myself. I stopped listing names, closed my computer, opened my journal and read the quote five or six more times– I didn’t want to lose it again.
And that’s when I realize, even if I write these words out on every social media outlet I have, I will never know if anyone feels the same kinda way I did in that moment– so what’s the point?
I mean, with WordPress it’s a little different, y’all know my content, it’s contemplative. When I post a link on facebook, you gotta consciously click on it with the intent to read. Who am I to write something out as a status, and force it into your lives without permission? Who am I to take this quote, and attach it to myself to people who likely don’t need to know/didn’t ask, expecting some sort of reaction?
This was an important moment, because I realized that it is indeed possible to have vast reactions to yourself. Just because you don’t share your experiences doesn’t mean they’re invalid.
Candid moments of realization don’t need any follow-up. You can feel some of your strongest emotions while you’re offline.
Maybe you all know that, but I thought it was interesting that it was so foreign to me.
If you’ve clicked on this link, you’re here to see what I see. Here’s the quote. Read it, and if you’re into it, close your computer, and relate.
“At the time I thought it was the worst curse a person could receive. “I’ll always love you…” as if you could promise you would still be around after the sickness.
To me, afterwards, love was a lot like borrowing happiness, the more joyful and passionate in the beginning, the more of that joy you were taking from the end. As if the world had to stay in perfect balance, punishing the morning glutton by starving the evening widow.
‘I’ll always love you”, then, became a secret told against that balance, an admission by someone incapable of paying yesterday’s happiness back.
A guilty sentence, placing the whole burden of the loan upon the lover.
You were taken too soon. You only knew the good, and then I carried the loan.
Sometimes the loan is too much, and it kills the living, like Johnny Cash. But I’m so thankful I could be that for you. So thankful that you said those words to me now.
I said the only thing you really can, something that means taking on more pain for the sake of your own morality; “I’ll make sure I go after you.”
Cole Sprouse wrote that shit.
Thanks for reading.