Days like today I feel a little hazy.
The indented dark rings under my eyes glare back at my reflection and I find myself enjoying the sight of them. My skin is pale and sallow, fitful sleeps riddled with anxiety and often interrupted by the reminders that I am an insomniac by nature are catching up to me.
Days like today I feel a little lazy.
My to-do list is glaring at me from underneath my half-drank cup of coffee and I can’t seem to find the willpower to heed it’s demands. The world feels less friend more enemy and there’s a knot in my stomach that won’t uncoil. The warmth of my covers is a loving embrace that is forgiving of my inability to face responsibilities.
Days like today I feel a little crazy.
Words bellow at warp-speed in my brain, meshing together incomprehensibly. There is discord and a lack of harmony that makes my thoughts anything but ceremonious. Lacking structure my psyche starts to shut down and my eyes struggle to stay open and fingers press against temples urgently, hoping to will the fury back into normalcy.
I struggle to find perspective.
It feels like no matter how many strides I take there are forces pushing me backwards. Darkness whispers into my ears, speaking of fear and self-loathing and a hopelessness that clutches my throat tight and vice-like. I call my mother and when she asks what’s wrong I say “I don’t know” and the panic in my tone catches even me off guard.
There are days when all progress made feels far away. When old habits don’t die instead they wreak havoc and play games with my emotions. I am stuck beneath an ocean of self-doubt and I try to cry the salt-water out but it’s in my lungs and the sensation of drowning is one not so easily shaken.
But- everything is temporary.
I cling to memories of sun-soaked days of laughter. Sidewalks that welcome me and a city I’ve grown into. I listen as my best friend plays records and I listen to the conversations that are happening outside my window and I try to ground myself and remember that just because I’m currently lacking doesn’t mean I’ll feel like this forever.
Tomorrow I will wake up, dust myself off, put on my best pair of shoes and go outside. I’ll soak up the sights of people walking dogs and sipping coffees and I’ll listen to birds sing and I’ll once again make peace with my mind.
I’ve said it a million times- healing is a process, I should heed my own advice. There will be hazy, lazy, crazy days. But they are outnumbered by the times I feel elated and electric and alive.
For now I shut my eyes.
Tomorrow, I’ll regroup.
until next time,