seeking joy

For a long time I’ve felt like a side character in my own life, like a second string player, benched for the foreseeable future. I didn’t actively put myself in the way of life, I just let it happen. Complacent and stoic, unmoved and uncaring. There were weeks where the world consisted of four bedroom walls and a virtual online reality, curtains closed, sunlight ignored. There was also fear, I was scared of being real, of putting myself out there, of the inevitable ridicule and judgement that would follow.

I’ve never been an agreeable one, an easy pill to swallow, a normal one. I am loud when I laugh, I’m quick when I talk- too quick to understand, I am odd, weird, quirky, funny and different. I’ve never met anyone quite like me. I mostly say the wrong things, I often speak truths that hurt without any second thought.

For most of my life my defining characteristic has been a desperation, a need to be liked and accepted by all.

This is me shedding that skin. tumblr_nt4ojl96OO1rdmoxbo2_1280

I refuse to edit and reform myself- I’m me and that’s all I can do. I’m going to dance badly, sing along to songs loudly, laugh at my own terrible jokes. I’m going to reach out to friends without fearing that I’m being intrusive, I’m going to say how I feel even if it makes the situation less comfortable. I’m done being agreeable and docile.

I’m never going to be the most popular person in a room, there may never be crowds clambering to hear what I say, many people will never find anything about me interesting or worth knowing.

But I simply don’t care.

I can’t give my energy to that anymore- it’s reserved for myself. For nurturing and fostering these seeds of self and watching my transformation. I’m in bloom.

I’m putting myself in the way of life.

until next time,


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Figuring it out as I go along, documenting and staying as honest as possible.

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